Aside from emails to professors, essays on articles by people with names I can't even pronounce and writing hypothetical news stories I haven't written for myself in so long. I started to feel like no one cared to read what I put so much effort into. It started to feel like a chore. So many bloggers these days are based primarily off of their Instagram followings. They have a base of people that want to see their outfit of the day, the newest trend in makeup or the latest hair tutorial for beach babe curls. I didn't want to be that blogger, but I felt like that's all people wanted to read. Mind you, you don't even have to read to see your favorite bloggers newest Nordstrom purchase. I felt like I was just rambling on the Internet for my family to read.
Many people asked me, "When are you going to blog again?" Mostly family, but those are my biggest fans. I got discouraged because I wanted to write to a larger audience. I wanted my words to spread like a wildfire to people who needed words to lift them up. I didn't want to be a blogger who's purpose was to flaunt my not so perfect life and make people feel like that's how life should be. I wanted to be real, but I started to lose inspiration. With everything going on in life, it felt like one more thing to cross off my to do list. The pressure got to me. Instead of doing it for myself which is what I started this blog for, it became about wanting to get more views and more likes. I started to overthink and put too much thought into what I was going to write about that was going to attract more views It's disgusting that I let my worth and talent be measured by likes, thumbs up or hearts on my posts.
Aside from what posts, statuses, Snapchat stories or Instagram might show, my life is not perfect. I am stuck in black hole of wondering if what I'm doing or where I'm at in my life is where I am supposed to be. One minute, you have it all planned out from your career to your future wedding thanks to Pinterest. The next minute, you are contemplating dropping out of school because you get a C on a paper you worked on for three weeks.
Adulthood is probably one of the scariest choices I have ever made. After just recently entering my 20s, I am already going through a crisis. I am wondering if this is where I want to live, this is the career I want to choose, this is the way I want to look. Every single day I struggle with my decisions because the decisions I'm making right now potentially determine the rest of my life. Growing up, you think you just get the career of your choice, the life of your choice. They made you think you could just say "I want to be a fireman" and that you would just wake up one day and be a fireman. They never told you that you would have to go through the toughest times of your life to get there.
Truth of the matter is, I like who I am when I'm writing. I feel confident, I feel sure and I feel like I'm doing something right. I was never the person who was good at much. I tried lots of things throughout my life soccer, softball, volleyball, basketball, dance and even art. I never felt like I was good at anything until I started to write. Now I realize that you become an adult when you find out what you're good at and what you like and do not care for a single minute who's going to judge you for that.
So if you feel like you're crashing into walls right now, you're not alone. You'll probably crash into 3436 more walls along the way. You may want to die your hair purple, move to Hawaii and become a vegetarian all before you figure out your life but that's fine because you'll end up winning first place on Rainbow Road no matter how many tries it takes.
P.S. if you are having a crisis after entering your 20s, read the book 101 Secrets For Your Twenties by Paul Agone and embrace the hot mess express that you are.
XO- Sydney Lauren
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