Ever since I was little, words were my outlet. I remember going into my closet when I was upset. I would sit there in that little room and feel like I could breath. I would pull out my little butterfly diary and write away. Most of what I would write consisted of how much I hated my sister and wished Hillary Duff would take her place. At 19 years old, words are still my escape.
Some of the best and my most favorite books are the ones that are sad. They are the ones about death, cancer, or suicide. The ones about tremendous love ending tragically. I don't know what it is about it, but sad books are always the best reads. It's not fair that it's that way. Shouldn't we want to read about happy things? Rainbows and happy endings? The truth is we don't. Sad books sell. Heartbreak sells. Death sells. Cancer sells. They sell because we relate. As human beings in the cruel world bad things happen to us more often than the good things happen or so it seems. It is easier to relate to tragedy.
This isn't going to be a lesson on positivity. I have tried to keep what I put out for the world to read on a happy note, but realistically that is not always the case when it comes to real life. This is from the most raw, emotional part of my heart and I feel like I am ready to share something different. Sometimes the best writing is the sad words because sometimes it's okay to not be okay.
This is a letter to the girl who loved him first.
You broke me. For years, you have made me feel insecure, uncomfortable, intimidated, and down right awful. You made my junior year of high school hell. You made it hard to love myself. You made it hard to feel like loving him was worth it.
Fast forward.
It's been almost 3 years now and you are still in love with him. You still try to win him over. You still try to find out what he is doing and bring him up in casual conversation. You try to weasel into his family and his friends in hopes you will replace me. You try to push me out. But I'm stronger than that. I am still here. You got the boy, but I got the man. I am still loving and falling in love with the boy you loved first and all I have to say is thank you.
Thank you for making me build up the greatest self confidence of my life. Thank you for pushing me to love that boy. Thank you for pushing me to find myself. Thank you for letting me be the bigger person. Thank you for letting me discover my self worth. Thanks for giving me the opportunity to grow and mature into a woman everyone hopes to be one day. Thank you for making those times hard so I could appreciate the good ones. Most importantly, thank you for motivating me to realize that for all this time I wasn't the fool. You were. You were the fool for putting down the girl that was about to love that boy better than you ever could. So thank you.
Even if I don't end up getting what I wanted or dreamed of in the end. I am becoming successful in a generation who is obsessed with looking successful and not having to work hard to get there. I am growing into the best version of myself no matter how many people have tried and will try to get in my way.
XO- Sydney Lauren
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